The Impressionists

Have you noticed that the art of impersonation has died? Sure, satirical programs like Saturday Night Live and MadTV build sketches around impressions of celebrities and politicians, so it cannot be said that the art form is entirely extinct. But whatever happened to folks like Rich Little, John Byner, David Frye, and Frank Gorshin, men whose entire acts consisted of dead-on mimicry of superstars like George Jessel, Eddie Cantor, and Martha Raye? (I sometimes wonder how much more I would have enjoyed these impressionists if I'd had any idea who the subjects of their parodies were. But I digress…)

These geniuses were the great impressionists, men of unfathomable skill in the art of apery. And although they are still remembered for their stage shows, what is not as well remembered is that many of these men were also impressionist painters, capable of rendering detail-perfect copies of the Great Masters.

Below, for example, is Rich Little's impression of Dejeuner Sur l'Herbe, Edouard Manet's masterpiece. The overall effect is uncanny, but note the subtle differences in tone from the original. These tonal shifts are Little's way of winking at the viewer, of telegraphing a playfulness ensconced in reverence much as nougat is ensconced in a Three Musketeers bar.


Next we see Frank Gorshin's impression of a self-portrait by Paul Cezanne. Study the background closely and you'll notice that Gorshin has incorporated the colors of his Riddler costume from the television show Batman. He did this in every painting; it is how curators today distinguish authentic Gorshins from forgeries.


Finally we consider a work by the last great impressionist, Andy Kaufman. Kaufman's stage work, as you no doubt recall, was marked by a post-modern sensibility; it provided a self-consciously self-conscious running commentary on itself, amusing to all but especially to those of us who were stoned. His painting is no different. His impression of the Raphael masterpiece The School of Athens, below, is in fact a reproduction of a work by Jackson Pollock.


What is Kaufman trying to say? No one really knows. But does it make you uncomfortable, causing you to laugh nervously? That's how you know it's an authentic Kaufman rather than a Kaufman impression impression. Or a Pollock, for that matter.

Sangfroid!

I recently wrote a movie script dramatizing the creation of In Cold Blood, Truman Capote's masterpiece. I realize that this event has been well mined recently by the popular films Capote and Infamous, but I am not worried. My film, entitled Sangfroid!, is quite different from those films, and better. Here are some of the differences:

• Sangfroid! is a musical.
  
• In Sangfroid! the murders take place in exotic Paris, France, not in boring Kansas.
  
• In Sangfroid!, Capote is accompanied by the entire Rat Pack.
  
• In Sangfroid!, Capote has the powers of flight and x-ray vision.
  
• Like another extremely popular movie, Sangfroid! is entirely in Aramaic.
  
• At the end of Sangfroid!, Capote wakes up to discover that the whole movie was just a bad dream.
  

Ode to Durham, NC

While driving home from Baltimore today, I started to get a little sentimental over my adoptive hometown of Durham, North Carolina. Prose seemed inadequate to the moment, so I composed this poem. Warning: You may need a hanky for this.

Ode to Durham

City of Medicine, my home, Durham
Send us your sick folks, we're gonna cure 'em
Head up to Hartford if you want to insure 'em
But I'm gonna stay right here in Durham

Jews are welcome here in Durham
Bring your grogger! Celebrate Purim!
On Shabbas our goyim can chauffeur 'em
We've got two shuls right here in Durham!

Living down in Raleigh is a capital idea
For rich folks, Chapel Hill's a residential panacea
But only one Triangle town can treat your pyorrhea
Durham! Durham! Citta di Medicina Mia!

Another Restaurant Idea

A partial menu for The Offal Truth (slogan: "We've got guts!"):

Thymus in the Morning--a sweetbread omelet
Muscles Steamed in White Wine and Garlic
Tripe, Tripe Again--a serving of tripe, followed by a second serving of tripe
Palm of Heart--whole heart steamed in plasma, served in a palm leaf (or a monkey palm)
The Eyes of Texas--Eyeballs of Texas longhorn steer tartare, served with rice, beans, salsa and lots of hot sauce
Beef Wel-lung-ton--Beef tenderloin covered with pureed onion and mushroom and liver pate, then stuffed into an elephant's lung and roasted

...and for dessert...

Assorted Nuts

U Cd B a Mill ion aire

Looking for a way to turn your extra thousands into millions? You are so in luck. I have been developing two can't-miss fast food chains and they are now almost ready for rollout. All that's missing is the capital to buy equipment, uniforms, and inventory, and to hire employees. And to pay for some advertising. Basically, what's missing is capital.

Of course you want to know more about these restaurants. Sure, my word isn't good enough for you, is it? Ingrate. I'm about to make you a millionaire and all you can do is whine "But what am I investing in? How do I know it's a can't-miss idea?" Fine, this ought to satisfy your morbid curiosity. Your future sources of unimaginable wealth are:

Le Grand Canard: Duck is the chicken of the future, and the future is upon us! Le Grand Canard is poised to exploit this trend; it sells confit of duck leg and duck a l'orange to go, packaged in spiffy Styrofoam containers emblazoned with the French flag. Sides include pommes frites and pommes Anna; for your convenience, the pommes frites have the mayonnaise cooked right into them--no need for dipping! Not that hungry? Try our grilled duck breast cutlet on a baguette and a soda cup full of field greens, dressed with industrial Dijon vinaigrette. The entire staff speaks French only but--here's the twist--is very friendly.

Risotto Hut: This concept presents some challenges, as risotto takes a long time to prepare and does not particularly enjoy sitting under a heat lamp for extended periods. The solution: service on the hour only. Customers are advised to arrive well before the hour mark (to beat the crowd!) and place their orders for one of the following: ground beef, lettuce, tomato, onion and ketchup risotto; fried chicken and mashed potato risotto; and taco risotto. Kids will love our mascot Beppo, the starch-shedding grain of Arborio rice. Beppo plays the accordion and dances to entertain the kiddies during the inevitable long waits.

If you are interested, send cash only (no checks!) to

Penis Enlargement Opportunity
PO Box 45208
Cayman Islands

Researchers Conclude Family Guy is Probably Supposed to be a Comedy

Baltimore, MD--A cross-disciplinary team of experts at Johns Hopkins University has completed a year-long study of the television show Family Guy, concluding that the program "is probably supposed to be a comedy."

"For a long time we were thrown off the trail by the absence of humor," said Dr. Madeup Funnyname, who led the study. "Occasionally one of us would detect content that he believed was intended to be funny, but only one--never a quorum. And the parameters of the study clearly stated that content could not be classified 'humorous' except by majority decision.

"But then we realized that we weren't seeing the forest for the trees. I mean, it's a cartoon, right? Cartoons are usually funny. And there's the talking dog and the diabolic talking baby. These are leading indicators of the comedy genre. Also, the husband seems to be modeled after Homer Simpson, the main character in a program we are quite certain is a comedy.

"Finally, though, we arrived at our conclusion by process of elimination. Family Guy is clearly not science fiction or a police procedural. It's not a game show; we're certain of that, too. It's not engaging or compelling in any way, so that rules out drama.

"In the end, we had it narrowed down to either a comedy or a news program. At that point, frankly, we guessed."

The team will take a well-earned month off before tackling its next assignment: determining what exactly American Dad is.

My Last-Minute Bid For the Job of UN Secretary General

I realize I am arriving a little late to the game here, seeing as the UN Security Council today nominated Ban Ki-moon to the position of UN Secretary General and that his ratification by the UN General Assembly is seen by most as a foregone conclusion. But wait: until his nomination is in fact ratified, the field is still theoretically wide open, right? So why not me?

Before the world just hands this plum gig to some guy you've never heard of, I think it should at least hear me out first. I have a lot of qualifications for this post, maybe even more than this Ban Ki-moon guy. After all:

• I am a middle child. That means I have a lot of experience mediating disputes and finding the middle ground. Is Ban Ki-moon a middle child? I don't know; do you? And don't you think it's interesting that we don't know? What is Ban Ki-moon hiding?
  
• This guy has "moon" in his name. Is he related to Sun Yung Moon? Wouldn't that be embarrassing if he was? My name is Meltzer. Worst-case scenario, I'm related to Brad Meltzer or Bernard Meltzer. Not too embarrassing.
  
• I studied French for five years in high school. Granted, my French is a little rusty, but I'm sure I could brush it up in no time. Remember, it's not just French people who speak French. They speak French in parts of Africa and in Vietnam, and I'm pretty sure they speak it in other places too. So speaking French is probably an important skill for a UN Secretary General. Also, I studied Latin in college. Isn't that the official language of Vatican City? So I'd be able to talk to the leaders of the Catholic Church. They represent a lot of people! Again, very helpful.
  
• I've got lots of time to do this job. I'm a musician and a writer. This keeps me busy but not that busy. Ban Ki-moon is a foreign minister and a diplomat. He is deeply involved in the six-way negotiations with North Korea. Also, I think he has kids. Seriously, how much time will he have to devote to being UN Secretary General? Whatever it is, I can devote more.
  

Look, all I'm saying is, before you pick this guy, at least consider my application first. I'd look really good in the crown. See? That's got to count for something.

CDC: Melisma Epidemic Officially Out of Control

Atlanta, GA--The spread of melisma--a condition that afflicts only singers, causing them to sing multiple notes per syllable while spastically gesticulating with one hand--can no longer be controlled, according to officials at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta.

"We thought we had successfully contained this to the R&B community, and quite honestly we back-burnered the situation," said Dr. Brains McNuggets, Center spokesperson. "In our defense, we have bigger problems to deal with: AIDS, anthrax, Alzheimer's… and that's just the A's."

For reasons unknown to any sane person, the condition--which is entirely voluntary--has spread from the R&B community to the international, folk, country, gospel and pop music communities. Center officials hypothesize that the origin of the contagion was Mariah Carey, although they also suspect that the popularity of American Idol has contributed greatly to the problem.

Melisma causes deterioration of the brain in afflicted singers, confusing them to the point that they believe that their singing sounds good. Worse, it has been known to cause blind rage and soul-crushing despair in the many millions of music listeners upon whom it is inflicted. "I'd guess maybe a half-dozen people a week drive straight off the road as a result of melisma on their radios," speculated Highway Patrolman Paul Foglino of Elmhurst, NY. "I've seen it and it ain't pretty. They're just screaming and pounding the steering wheel, and then--zoom!--over the guardrail they go. It makes road rage look like a frickin' tea party."

Under the circumstances, citizens might expect the Center for Disease Control to step up its efforts to contain the spread of melisma, but the Center has no such plans for the immediate future. "The government cut our budget pretty severely," explained McNuggets. "Said it was using the money to fund the War on Terror."

Citizen Tom Meltzer of Durham, NC is unimpressed with that explanation. "I haven't seen a single terrorist yet, but my ears are assaulted by melisma every damned day. If the government doesn't do something soon, I'm gonna have to start ripping some throats out."

Mariah Carey was unavailable for comment for this story.

Kenny Rogers' Made-For-TV Movies That Died in Development

As an educated person who lived during the last half of the twentieth century, you are no doubt aware that Kenny Rogers as The Gambler was one of the highest rated made-for-television movies of all time. You probably also know that it spawned a successful franchise that yielded Kenny Rogers as The Gambler: The Adventure Continues, Kenny Rogers as The Gambler Part III: The Legend Continues, The Gambler Returns: The Luck of the Draw, and Gambler V: Playing For Keeps. You may even have heard that Kenny Rogers as The Gambler VI: The Adventure of the Legend Returns and Continues… On Christmas! is currently in post-production.

But did you know that the success of these Kenny Rogers vehicles generated a side industry of writers and producers who developed other projects based on Rogers' songs? None of these works, sadly, ever reached production. However, while rummaging through Mr. Rogers' garbage the other day (I am Kenny Rogers' A.J. Webberman, as you probably know) I found the following pitch memos along with Rogers' personal assistant's notes for those projects, which I now share with you.

Kenny Rogers as The Coward of the County: A comedy in which Rogers pretends to be a coward so that, when the fighting starts, he can slip off and cat around with all the town wives. His plan seems foolproof…until a newcomer to town (Glen Campbell) starts using the exact same ruse! Laughs follow other laughs as Rogers decides how to dispose of this pesky interloper. With Dan Haggerty as the sheriff.
Reason rejected: Rogers had already appeared (in a secondary role) in a movie called Coward of the County. Also, Rogers cannot do comedy.

Kenny Rogers as Ruby's Husband: Rogers is a war invalid whose wounds have left him immobile, deaf and speechless. And they are killing him, slowly. Think it can't get any worse? Wrong!!! Because he can still see, he has to watch his wife Ruby (Dolly Parton) as she paints up her lips, rolls and curls her tinted hair, and otherwise prepares to take her love to town every night. The bulk of the movie consists of Rogers' fantasies, in which he imagines numerous gruesome ways of killing his wife. Finally he dies, but not before making peace with his maker (in an extended final sequence, the Lord not only accepts Rogers to heaven but also promises to inflict Ruby with a very painful and hard-to-treat STD). With Erik Estrada as Ruby's paramour.
Reason rejected: Way too depressing. Also, Rogers cannot do tragedy.

Kenny Rogers as The Life Decorator: Kenny is a true interior decorator, an angel whose intercessions decorate his beneficiaries' interior lives. Later rewritten, re-pitched and produced as Highway to Heaven, and then later still as Touched By an Angel. With Gary Coleman as "the feisty kid in the wheelchair."
Reason rejected: Kinda gay. Also, Rogers cannot do melodrama.

Kenny Rogers as Lady: Kenny Rogers is a drag queen who stands to inherit ten million dollars from a great-uncle (Jumpin' Bill Carlisle), but only if he'll "go straight" and get married. With Liza Minelli as "Mrs. Lady."
Reason rejected: Way too gay. Also, Rogers cannot do gay.

Kenny Rogers as The Guy Who Just Checked In To See What Condition His Condition Was In: Kenny is a stoned-out slacker who gets involved in the kidnapping of the wife of a wealthy man who also just so happens to be named Kenny Rogers. The wealthy Kenny Rogers (Porter Waggoner) hires stoner Rogers to deliver the ransom, but Rogers screws it all up and mayhem ensues. With Jim Belushi as Kenny's pal Walter.
Reason rejected:First Edition refused to reunite to record updated version of hit.

Kenny Rogers as Reuben James: Rogers is a black sharecropper who adopts an abandoned white boy. His best friend (Charlie Pride) disapproves.
Reason rejected:Technical challenges insurmountable. Also, Rogers cannot do black.

Kim Chimma-Chi, Kim Chimma-Chi, Kimchi Chigae

I love Durham, my adoptive hometown, but I can't deny that occasionally it comes up a little short in comparison to my former home, New York City. Fortunately, Durham is catching up. No one would mistake the Durham skyline for Manhattan's--or even for an actual skyline, for that matter--but many of the great amenities of Yankee living are slowly but surely insinuating themselves here.

Case in point: until recently, there was not a single decent Korean restaurant in town. Now there are two within a half a mile of each other. Better still, one is attached to a grocery store that specializes in Korean ingredients (more on that in a bit). Now, I love Korean food but I'm no connoisseur. So are these restaurants as good as Kum Gang San, the place Lisa and I used to frequent in Flushing? You will have to ask someone more expert than I. They are good enough, and I am very happy.

Since discovering these places, Lisa and I have paid several visits, and they got me to thinking about trying to prepare some of these dishes at home. I was especially intrigued by the unique flavors of Korean cooking. What are they? To find out, I set out to prepare a typical Korean dish, Kimchi Chigae (Kimchi Stew to us 'Murkins).

To my happy surprise, this turned out to be an easy dish, one that requires a minimum of preparation and comes together very quickly. I chose it pretty much at random but I doubt I could have selected a better jumping-off point for my Korean cuisine adventure. Thanks to the store next door to Durham's Vit Goal Tofu (#1 in Korean tofu soups!!!!!), I had no trouble finding the few exotic ingredients listed below; these (i.e. kochujang and kochukaru) turn out to be the flavor base of many of my favorite fiery Korean dishes.

Kimchi Chigae

4 hearty servings

1 lb. fatty meat (pork belly is traditional, but beef stew cubes, skirt steak, etc. will do), sliced into little shreds, 1" long and a few millimeters thick
2-3 tablespoons kochujang (Korean chili paste--it comes in a red-pepper colored tub)
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 cup cabbage kimchi, chopped into 1/2" to 1" segments
4 cups water
2 tablespoons kochukaru (Korean red pepper powder)
6 - 8 ounces bean sprouts
12 ounces silky tofu, sliced to fit easily into a soup spoon
2 scallions, cut into 1/2" dice
3 Korean peppers, chopped
salt and pepper to taste

1) Heat a stockpot over medium-high heat. Toss in the meat and stir so that it doesn't stick. It should start to give off enough fat that no extra fat is necessary. If it starts to stick, drizzle in a tablespoon of oil. Cook for about a minute.
2) Combine the kochujang and the soy sauce, then drizzle it into the pot. Stir, using the liquid to loosen any bits that are stuck to the bottom of the pan. Cook for a minute, until the meat looks pretty well cooked.
3) Add the water and the kimchi. Bring it all to a boil, then reduce to a simmer. Stir in the kochukaru and bean sprouts. Increase heat if necessary to resume simmer.
4) Cook for 20 minutes, then slide in tofu. Cook for another ten minutes. Add scallions, Korean peppers, salt and pepper. Stir, cook for another minute. Serve with sushi rice.

This dish will fill your belly and clear your sinuses!

News Flash: Vocabulary Podcaster Makes Vocabulary Error During Podcast

In a previous post I noted that I recently did an interview about The Princeton Review Vocabulary Minute, the podcast I create, and that during that interview I made a vocabulary error; I invited folks to identify it.


I am now officially annoyed by my own coyness in the matter and so will 'fess up. I said I lead a pretty hermetic existence

hermetic |hərˈmetik| adjective 1 (of a seal or closure) complete and airtight : a hermetic seal that ensures perfect waterproofing. • insulated or protected from outside influences : a hermetic society. 2 (also Hermetic) of or relating to an ancient occult tradition encompassing alchemy, astrology, and theosophy. • esoteric; cryptic : obscure and hermetic poems.

when of course I should have said I lead a pretty hermitic existence

hermit |ˈhərmit| noun 1 a person living in solitude as a religious discipline. • any person living in solitude or seeking to do so. 2 a hummingbird found in the shady lower layers of tropical forests, foraging along a regular route. • Phaethornis and other genera, family Trochilidae: several species.
DERIVATIVES hermitic |hərˈmitik| adjective

Thus ends this hermeneutic entry.