My Last-Minute Bid For the Job of UN Secretary General

I realize I am arriving a little late to the game here, seeing as the UN Security Council today nominated Ban Ki-moon to the position of UN Secretary General and that his ratification by the UN General Assembly is seen by most as a foregone conclusion. But wait: until his nomination is in fact ratified, the field is still theoretically wide open, right? So why not me?

Before the world just hands this plum gig to some guy you've never heard of, I think it should at least hear me out first. I have a lot of qualifications for this post, maybe even more than this Ban Ki-moon guy. After all:

• I am a middle child. That means I have a lot of experience mediating disputes and finding the middle ground. Is Ban Ki-moon a middle child? I don't know; do you? And don't you think it's interesting that we don't know? What is Ban Ki-moon hiding?
  
• This guy has "moon" in his name. Is he related to Sun Yung Moon? Wouldn't that be embarrassing if he was? My name is Meltzer. Worst-case scenario, I'm related to Brad Meltzer or Bernard Meltzer. Not too embarrassing.
  
• I studied French for five years in high school. Granted, my French is a little rusty, but I'm sure I could brush it up in no time. Remember, it's not just French people who speak French. They speak French in parts of Africa and in Vietnam, and I'm pretty sure they speak it in other places too. So speaking French is probably an important skill for a UN Secretary General. Also, I studied Latin in college. Isn't that the official language of Vatican City? So I'd be able to talk to the leaders of the Catholic Church. They represent a lot of people! Again, very helpful.
  
• I've got lots of time to do this job. I'm a musician and a writer. This keeps me busy but not that busy. Ban Ki-moon is a foreign minister and a diplomat. He is deeply involved in the six-way negotiations with North Korea. Also, I think he has kids. Seriously, how much time will he have to devote to being UN Secretary General? Whatever it is, I can devote more.
  

Look, all I'm saying is, before you pick this guy, at least consider my application first. I'd look really good in the crown. See? That's got to count for something.