CDC: Melisma Epidemic Officially Out of Control

Atlanta, GA--The spread of melisma--a condition that afflicts only singers, causing them to sing multiple notes per syllable while spastically gesticulating with one hand--can no longer be controlled, according to officials at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta.

"We thought we had successfully contained this to the R&B community, and quite honestly we back-burnered the situation," said Dr. Brains McNuggets, Center spokesperson. "In our defense, we have bigger problems to deal with: AIDS, anthrax, Alzheimer's… and that's just the A's."

For reasons unknown to any sane person, the condition--which is entirely voluntary--has spread from the R&B community to the international, folk, country, gospel and pop music communities. Center officials hypothesize that the origin of the contagion was Mariah Carey, although they also suspect that the popularity of American Idol has contributed greatly to the problem.

Melisma causes deterioration of the brain in afflicted singers, confusing them to the point that they believe that their singing sounds good. Worse, it has been known to cause blind rage and soul-crushing despair in the many millions of music listeners upon whom it is inflicted. "I'd guess maybe a half-dozen people a week drive straight off the road as a result of melisma on their radios," speculated Highway Patrolman Paul Foglino of Elmhurst, NY. "I've seen it and it ain't pretty. They're just screaming and pounding the steering wheel, and then--zoom!--over the guardrail they go. It makes road rage look like a frickin' tea party."

Under the circumstances, citizens might expect the Center for Disease Control to step up its efforts to contain the spread of melisma, but the Center has no such plans for the immediate future. "The government cut our budget pretty severely," explained McNuggets. "Said it was using the money to fund the War on Terror."

Citizen Tom Meltzer of Durham, NC is unimpressed with that explanation. "I haven't seen a single terrorist yet, but my ears are assaulted by melisma every damned day. If the government doesn't do something soon, I'm gonna have to start ripping some throats out."

Mariah Carey was unavailable for comment for this story.