Kenny Rogers' Made-For-TV Movies That Died in Development

As an educated person who lived during the last half of the twentieth century, you are no doubt aware that Kenny Rogers as The Gambler was one of the highest rated made-for-television movies of all time. You probably also know that it spawned a successful franchise that yielded Kenny Rogers as The Gambler: The Adventure Continues, Kenny Rogers as The Gambler Part III: The Legend Continues, The Gambler Returns: The Luck of the Draw, and Gambler V: Playing For Keeps. You may even have heard that Kenny Rogers as The Gambler VI: The Adventure of the Legend Returns and Continues… On Christmas! is currently in post-production.

But did you know that the success of these Kenny Rogers vehicles generated a side industry of writers and producers who developed other projects based on Rogers' songs? None of these works, sadly, ever reached production. However, while rummaging through Mr. Rogers' garbage the other day (I am Kenny Rogers' A.J. Webberman, as you probably know) I found the following pitch memos along with Rogers' personal assistant's notes for those projects, which I now share with you.

Kenny Rogers as The Coward of the County: A comedy in which Rogers pretends to be a coward so that, when the fighting starts, he can slip off and cat around with all the town wives. His plan seems foolproof…until a newcomer to town (Glen Campbell) starts using the exact same ruse! Laughs follow other laughs as Rogers decides how to dispose of this pesky interloper. With Dan Haggerty as the sheriff.
Reason rejected: Rogers had already appeared (in a secondary role) in a movie called Coward of the County. Also, Rogers cannot do comedy.

Kenny Rogers as Ruby's Husband: Rogers is a war invalid whose wounds have left him immobile, deaf and speechless. And they are killing him, slowly. Think it can't get any worse? Wrong!!! Because he can still see, he has to watch his wife Ruby (Dolly Parton) as she paints up her lips, rolls and curls her tinted hair, and otherwise prepares to take her love to town every night. The bulk of the movie consists of Rogers' fantasies, in which he imagines numerous gruesome ways of killing his wife. Finally he dies, but not before making peace with his maker (in an extended final sequence, the Lord not only accepts Rogers to heaven but also promises to inflict Ruby with a very painful and hard-to-treat STD). With Erik Estrada as Ruby's paramour.
Reason rejected: Way too depressing. Also, Rogers cannot do tragedy.

Kenny Rogers as The Life Decorator: Kenny is a true interior decorator, an angel whose intercessions decorate his beneficiaries' interior lives. Later rewritten, re-pitched and produced as Highway to Heaven, and then later still as Touched By an Angel. With Gary Coleman as "the feisty kid in the wheelchair."
Reason rejected: Kinda gay. Also, Rogers cannot do melodrama.

Kenny Rogers as Lady: Kenny Rogers is a drag queen who stands to inherit ten million dollars from a great-uncle (Jumpin' Bill Carlisle), but only if he'll "go straight" and get married. With Liza Minelli as "Mrs. Lady."
Reason rejected: Way too gay. Also, Rogers cannot do gay.

Kenny Rogers as The Guy Who Just Checked In To See What Condition His Condition Was In: Kenny is a stoned-out slacker who gets involved in the kidnapping of the wife of a wealthy man who also just so happens to be named Kenny Rogers. The wealthy Kenny Rogers (Porter Waggoner) hires stoner Rogers to deliver the ransom, but Rogers screws it all up and mayhem ensues. With Jim Belushi as Kenny's pal Walter.
Reason rejected:First Edition refused to reunite to record updated version of hit.

Kenny Rogers as Reuben James: Rogers is a black sharecropper who adopts an abandoned white boy. His best friend (Charlie Pride) disapproves.
Reason rejected:Technical challenges insurmountable. Also, Rogers cannot do black.